Tag Archives: new rules

New Rules for MMA (a la “Real Time with Bill Maher”)

By Garrett Morris

  1. Mike Goldberg must stop referring to fighters who have 7 fights as great when proceeding to praise them just because they didn’t lie down.  Hell, even when they lie down he sucks up.
  2. No more “cool” gimmicks. New tattoos for every next match, ring-walks that are as rehearsed as their victory laps.  Everyone trying so hard to be cool.  Simply, it’s not cool.
  3. People must realize that the 8 sided ring was just a gimmick from Chuck Norris’s movie so aptly named….”The Octagon.”  It’s just a fenced ring in which the fences affect the fighting, not really the shape of the ring.  What a way to brand a product.  What about a hexagon or jumping it to 10 sides?  “10-Sided Fence” just doesn’t sound cool.
  4. Gyms with names of famous fighters who are still fighting or are never around to coach must come with disclaimers.  What’s so Miletich about a Miletich Fighting System in another state than where Miletich actually trains?
  5. Successful fighters must stop selling their success as a sign of being qualified as a coach. The qualification for coaching is being able to communicate knowledge.  It takes patience and a love for coaching itself.  Being a successful coach is a sign of being a good coach.  But be careful about what success means.  If there’s a famous coach, people are going to flock to him even if he knows little.  And champions will still arise from a quack coach.  Show me how he coaches me and I’ll tell you if he’s any good.  That’s the best gauge.
  6. Fighters must be checked for body stench and bad breath before a fight and especially before training.  It’s one thing in boxing, but when your face is in someone’s ass-crack who is a bit swampy that day is going to result in quick submission after quick submission.
  7. Not everybody who says, “thank you, I respect him as a fighter” is “a class act.”
  8. No more bowing except before and after fights, and no uniforms.  Fighting is one of the most thoroughly self-serving pursuits and it works for a reason: it’s fundamental discipline, private and personal.  Everyone’s journey is separate. Bowing and wearing uniforms is just a way to institutionalize people.  Throughout history nonconformists have turned out to be the greatest fighters and the greatest fight minds.  Fighting culture is based on social competitiveness and individual expression, not team spirit and synchronization.
  9. Your equipment sucks if denim and shoes ruin it. Gone are the days of the grimy gyms that fueled the fires of young kids and seasoned fighters looking for inspiration. Today, gyms everywhere have pretend ruggedness embellished by chain-link perimeter fences and blasted hardcore music.  Nothing says “This place is not hardcore” more than anything that says “THIS PLACE IS HARDCORE.”  What’s with gyms filled with a line of crap heavybags and a lack of assortment for complete training? And no jeans?  Wtf.  They seem more concerned about dress code than fight training.     
  10.  If you don’t know how to punch, don’t use weights or resistance in shadowboxing, and don’t sledgehammer tires.  Learn form before brawn. 
  11. No more calling out numbers to a group of fighters to throw combinations.  I’ve been to Muay Thai gyms where they have these idiot line classes in which a large group of newbies are throwing combinations they have no ability to pull off.  And if a fighter knows his stuff already, why the hell does he need some ass-clown yelling what combinations to throw?